First, a definition:

dis·en·cour·age

transitive verb \dis-in-ˈkər-ij, -ˈkə-rij, dis-en-\
dis·en·cour·ageden·dis·cour·ag·ing

Definition of DIS-ENCOURAGE

1) a : to ATTEMPT TO inspire with courage, spirit, or hope BUT FAIL: dis-hearten <she was encouraged to continue by her early success BUT OTHERS TALKED HER OUT OF IT>
b : to ATTEMPT TO persuade WHILE DOING THE OPPOSITE: urge TO NO EFFECT <they encouraged him to go back to school IN SUCH A WAY THAT HE DROPPED OUT>
2): to give help or patronage to WHILE CAUSING UNSEEN HARM: <government grants designed to encourage conservation CAUSED PEOPLE TO STRIP MINE>
— dis·en·cour·ag·er noun
See dis-encouragement defined for English-language learners »

Examples of DIS-ENCOURAGEMENT:
My aim was to encourage my wife but I actually made her cry.

First Known Use of DIS-ENCOURAGEMENT:
When Able told Cain,”Nice plants, farmer boy. Better luck next time.”

Related to DIS-ENCOURAGEMENT

Synonyms: demoralization, despair, despondency, disheartenment, dismay, dispiritedness
Antonyms: encouragement

In short, I’ve invented a word to describe the act of trying to encourage someone and, at the same time, managing to discourage them.

I am an expert at dis-encouragement. It’s a gift. When my wife was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I tried to be positive and encourage her. She ended up crying herself to sleep.

Nice job, encouragement boy.

I felt miserable. (I say this because I know you’re concerned about my feelings in this situation.) But it did expose my weakness early on and I no longer thought encouragement was easy, or that I was good at it.

This was a real surprise to me. I had very encouraging parents. I tried to be encouraging. I’m a positive guy. But to fail so badly just when I was needed the most was a shock. I had a lot to learn.

As time went on and Suzie faced mounting medical problems, I saw others fall into the same predictable traps. I slowly realized that much of what we call encouragement, isn’t.

When I mention to people that my passion is encouragement, time and again people respond with,”Oh, Me too! That’s what I do!” Then they go on to describe something that is either peripheral, not effective or downright discouraging. All in the name of encouraging people.

But I also saw encouragement ninjas. These people could lighten the mood and make things seem better, just by walking into the room. Hope flourished around these people. Like weather on a perfect day, they made it seem possible, almost inevitable, that things would turn out well.

I’m not one of these people. But I watched them and began to learn. I figured since I started out so badly, I had nowhere to go but up.

In my defense, other people have done much worse. Doctors, unasked, complimented us on how we handled things. I’ve since learned some depressing statistics.

Very often serious medical problems lead to broken families, depression, drug addiction and shattered lives for family and friends of the patient. The people who should be standing by simply disappear. Or they cause more problems for everyone.

The saddest cases are the children left to face life’s darkest moments by themselves while the adults they are depending on disintegrate. With three children of our own, I became more determined than ever to figure this thing out.

While I may never be an encouragement ninja, I’ve learned that I can learn. Given that sometimes I may be the only encouragement around, the better I get at it, the less my family and friends will suffer, and the better chance I have of actually encouraging someone for real.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at some of the more popular dis-encouragement traps. But the first step is realizing the problem.

My name is Dennis Ritchie and I am a dis-encourager . . .