There are some inspirational gurus that would have us believe people are out there just waiting on you to come up with the magic phrase that will change their lives, lead them to the perfect career, introduce them to the love of their life and make them lose forty pounds. If only you would encourage them.
Zig Ziglar said it this way, “You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.”
There are books written about it. I’ve even found people asking for the “perfect word” of encouragement on internet forums. As if there’s something you could say to magically change their career, introduce them to the love of their life and make them lose forty pounds. If only you could come up with it.
Feel the pressure? Somehow it’s your fault. Why are you so bad at encouraging?
It’s petrifying.
The Paralysis of Perfection.
This kind of thinking prevents a lot of encouragement. Rather than try for the perfect word and fail, we focus on our imperfection and just sit it out. Obviously, it’s someone else’s job, maybe an expert or a writer, someone good with words. Let Dean Koontz do it.
I’ve been thinking about encouragement for years and I would be the last one to claim that I have any “perfect word” for anyone. But I have seen a lot of people get encouraged. How? Here’s the secret:
There is no perfect word
But I’ve seen it, your might say. I’ve read stories about it. You can buy calendars with 365 days of perfect words. You can buy the t-shirt! TV stars have published books one and two about it!
Still, I’m telling you, there is no perfect word . . . at least not from you.
How It Works
I’m not saying that people’s lives aren’t changed by a few words. It happens. I’m not saying to give up on encouragement. In fact, I’m saying the opposite. We should encourage others as much as we can. It’s essential.
I’m just saying there is no perfect word, no turn of phrase that you can think of to change someone’s life. And if you pursue it you will miss what encouragement is all about.
You see, it’s not about what you say.
It’s About What You Communicate
A significant amount of communication is non-verbal. There will always be an argument about how much because it is unmeasurable and changes with every person. We are all unique. But experts agree that non-verbal information is powerful, possibly between 60 and 90%.
You communicate a lot by how you stand, by how much you pay attention, by how you blink and micro-expressions that appear and disappear in an instant. A lot of this is automatic on your part and beyond any real control. But your true feelings will usually get through.
Be There
The fact that you don’t run away says a lot. If you’re still there when someone is having a bad day and unloads it on you, then you have communicated the most important thing. You’ve proven that you care enough to share the pain.
That’s more important than the perfect word. Is there such a thing as the perfect stand or the perfect sit?
I’ve spent hours in semi-silence in surgical waiting rooms for Suzie. I’ve been there alone in the middle of the night. I’ve been there with a friend sitting quietly beside me or sharing some random story or praying or bringing me a fresh cup of coffee. I can definitively say having someone to share it with is much, much better.
It doesn’t really matter what you talk about when there is nothing anyone can say. There is no perfect word to heal multiple cancers.
Can You Really Share Pain?
Multiple studies have found the same thing. Using ice water as the pain source, people who were with someone else could keep their hand in the ice water twice as long as someone who was alone. Twice!
The really interesting thing is that it really didn’t matter if the support person was a friend or a total stranger. It means nearly anyone will do as an encourager. Even someone you don’t really like!
This is good news because you can’t always guarantee that the perfect friend will be available.
Suzie’s SICU Experience
Suzie still tells the story, usually smiling while holding back tears, of one total stranger she will never forget.
Suzie woke up in SICU, the surgical intensive care unit, alone and covered with beeping, flashing equipment. Her head was shaved and bandaged. There was a tube sticking out of the top of her head. She was having trouble speaking. I was not there.
She had just come out of emergency brain surgery. A large tumor had been removed from the speech center of her brain. The problem was swelling. The tube in her head monitored the pressure inside her skull. If the pressure went up there could be more brain damage. They would have to remove more of her skull to relieve the pressure.
It was a good day to have a friend. But I wasn’t allowed in the room at night and was sleeping on a recliner in the waiting room until 7:00 am.
But there was someone – a nurse with an English accent. This nurse came in often and sat with Suzie. She talked and listened to Suzie cry. She patted her hand. She calmed her fears and reassured her that she was doing well.
She did everything I could have done, but with an English accent, which somehow makes it even better.
In that room, in the middle of the night, in that situation, she was perfect. Whatever soothing words she spoke are forgotten. The fact that she took the time to sit, that she was interested, that she cared, that will never be forgotten.
There was no “perfect word.” We are imperfect people. But there was something better. There was love and concern. There was companionship. There was someone to share the tears.
That’s as perfect as we get.
Part TwoPart Three Photo: Ice Bucket by Dinner Series via Flickr
